The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
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No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Perfect
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.