SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
You Might Also Like
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent