[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
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Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
That’s what I call a flat tire
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Tell the colonel to bring it
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you