kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
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“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
12653.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.