Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
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Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.