i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
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I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
My inexpensive home security system…
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.