I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
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My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”