Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
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Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist