God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
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I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.