Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
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yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Muppet Screams
Boy never ceases to amaze me
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Hot hot hot 🥵
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT