“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
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Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!