My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
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if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week