It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
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*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
he looks great for his age
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser