(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
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“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.