wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
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*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
umm…
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
I want this so bad
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.