Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
You Might Also Like
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible