Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
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Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah