Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
You Might Also Like
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Banana is the quietest snack
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot