*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
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You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight