Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
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I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Breaking news:
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.