I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
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Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.