Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
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Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
#Caturday
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
I don’t think my car can fly