Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
You Might Also Like
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”