I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
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I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Great Canadian literature.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Feels
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Not all heroes wear capes…
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting