“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
You Might Also Like
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio