-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
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ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
is nasa ok
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.