I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
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Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.