If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
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Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
christening a ship with an overripe banana
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
meanwhile over on facebook
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.