I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
You Might Also Like
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.