“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
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Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
what’s more important?