*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
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Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
In banana years, I am bread.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.