Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
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Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
this FaceApp is creepy af
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
back to work
That’s easy for you to say
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
gentlemen, hear me out
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.