I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
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If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
philosophical skeletons be like
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
🌱🌱🌱
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes