“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
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Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Okay, I’m still confused…
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars