Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
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Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.