cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
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“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
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5.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by