Mhm.
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I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Sorry I made promises on Friday
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no