Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
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[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
eggs benadryl
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
new record!
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW