Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
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I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Best spot.. 😅
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*