me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
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The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
my astrological sign is a french fry
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
definitely did not do anything wrong
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.