Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
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Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Brother?
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.