I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
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Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Always…
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”