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If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.