Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
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doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month