Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
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COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!