Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
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Guantanamo Bae
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.