Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
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This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
How dramatic are you?