…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
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If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Planet of the Apps.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.