Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
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Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Check out the legs on this baby
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop