I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
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Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math